We Just Ain't Right
by Shai PeriHawk
Summary: Warning: Contains pure, unadulterated self-insertion crack. You have been warned. Written on a lark with Edana ni Emer.
1. The Hangover, With Dragons

The Hangover, With Dragons

There must have been _something_ in the booze. Being jarred awake by fighting wasn't so bad. Neither was waking up under a pile of dead and dying bodies, though they'd remember _that_ in their nightmares.

Waking up naked or in just underwear really wasn't so novel, especially after a night of heavy drinking.

But the _things_ the armored people around them were fighting, _that_ could only come from some really bad drugs.

"Shit! Shit shit shit shit shit!"

Nobody would ever be able to remember later _who_ was swearing. Whoever said it was shrill-voiced with shock and fear, and spoke for both of them.

It was almost impossible to tell, between the noise of combat and the falling bodies and the horrible smell, what exactly was going on, but they didn't even need to look at each other to agree that being anywhere else at all would be _good_. Unfortunately, the hideous creatures around them didn't seem to agree.

When one of the ... Creatures, finally noticed two live women where there had only been dead before, it ran straight at them. One of them, the blond one (the naked one) grabbed the first thing that came to hand and brought it up to block the sword blow. The blade bit deep, and stuck. It was only then that she noticed just what she'd grabbed, and started to shriek as she played a bizarre tug-of-war with an armored, severed leg with a sword stuck in it.

The other, dark haired and wearing at least some kind of undergarment, kicked at the horrible thing in a panic, managing to do little but stagger it and make it lose it's grip on it's blade a little.

Scrambling backwards, dirt wedging itself under her nails, she felt her hands come down on something solid, wooden, and slick with blood and mud and who-knew what else. She scrabbled at it, prying it up with shaking hands and dragging it in front of her.

The blond yanked the sword and leg from the thing's grip and tossed the whole thing as far away as she could. Her search was a little more organized this time. She came up with a large battle axe and started swinging.

The weapon was entirely too large for her, but she had gravity on her side. The blade met the notch between helmet and body armor in a crushing blow that crumpled flesh and metal alike.

The spray of blood finally silenced her screaming. She stood dazed, as the body fell to the ground.

The brunette scrambled to her feet with a squeak, bringing the shield-that's what the wood had turned out to be-with her, as a shorter, more squat version of the revolting things they faced moved against her friend. She swung the shield with all the finesse of a frying pan, catching the creature on the side of the head and knocking it aside.

Her eyes wide and blank with fear, she hit it again. And again. And again. After the second blow, it went down. After the third, it was reduced to twitching. Even after it stopped moving entirely, she showed no signs of stopping.

The blond reached out to grab her friend's arm, smearing the spattered blood on both their bodies. "Things! Trying to kill us! And I'm naked!" She crouched and yanked a familiarly shaped piece of wood out from under a body.

The brunette squeaked. "Right. Right. Things. And naked. Me too. Ish." She shook herself out of her momentary daze. Fumbling with the shield, she managed to slide her arm through the straps and clutch the grip. They were miles too big, and the shield slid back and forth against her elbow, but it worked well enough. A few more seconds' scrambling fetched a short, crude sword. "You okay? You hurt?"

She reached down and dragged the strap of a quiver over her head. "I don't know. Did I have sex with a girl last night?" Anything to keep her mind off the gooey thwack! as one of her arrows sank into an eyeball.

"Um. I think so?" A bash sent another short... ugly smelly thing... that got too close to the ground. She stabbed it gingerly in the throat, cringing from the spray of blood. "Oh god gross. Uh, Allie was her name, right? I was at the bottom of like three cups of Mad Dog, why are you asking me?" If she pretended that she was just helping her mother cut up a deer carcass, she MIGHT get through this without losing her lunch.

"Because you have more clothes on than me?" Another careful aim, let the breath out, loose, thwack!

"I think they're running away?" She lowered the bow and looked around.

"Like four square inches!" Another smack with the shield. She really did prefer that to the stabbing part. Much less... disgusting. "And my head hurts! And these things are loud. And I'm probably going to keep whining until- running away?" She let her scavenged weapons fall to her sides, arms trembling with strain.

"And we're... not dead. Not dead is good." A pause as she bent over, dropping the sword to brace one hand on her knee and pant. "I hope."

"No, it seems you're quite alive."

New voice, smooth and calming voice. The blond squeaked and pasted herself to the brunette's side, holding the shield up like a...

Shield.

The brunette twitched, shifting the shield to cover her friend a little more effectively. It was a lot heavier than it had seemed during the fight. The wonders of adrenaline.

"Through no fault of our own, I'm sure." A quick glance, sizing up dark hair, beard, the lines on his forehead, and... armor? Plate. No. Half-plate. Maybe. He was older at least. And had blades. Looked like he could use them. Right. Respect. "...sir?"

The man appeared to respect their wariness, keeping his distance and lowering (though not sheathing) his blades. "I am Duncan, of the Gray Wardens. This is Daveth," he gestured to another dark-haired fellow, scruffy and moderately handsome, "And this is Ser Jory," a gesture to a homely red-haired man, thick-bodied with muscle. "Recruits. We travel to Ostagar."

She turned, making wary and confused eye contact with her blonde friend.

She met her friend's eye and raised her head above the shield. "I'd really love to ask you what Ostagar is, but I have a feeling that would just make my head hurt. I'm Shai. Do you have clothes to spare?"

"I... yeah. The being naked is kinda disconcerting outside and during the day. And free. Um. Never mind. I'm Edana. Clothes would be good. And maybe then we could ask you some questions?" Her voice was hopeful.

"I will answer any questions I may," Duncan replied gravely. "But first I must ask one of my own. Did any blood from the Darkspawn splash into your mouth? Either of you."

"I... don't think so?" Edana said. "But... we were drinking last night and my head hurts and my mouth feels like I've been cleaning a public bathroom with my _tongue_ and I don't know if I could _tell._ Shai? What about you?"

"There's just so much of it..." She shivered. Then she realized she was bleeding. It was just a shallow cut on her biceps, slowly oozing a fresh path of blood down the splatter on her arm. She tried to hold the panic from her voice. "So, what about in a wound? Or does it have to be ingested?"

Duncan's face was grave, making Edana's stomach drop into her non-existent boots.

"It may yet not be a problem. But it does mean that you will need to travel with us, at least for a time." He tilted his head curiously. "This was not your farm, then, if you are asking to borrow clothing."

"No, no it's not," Edana said, her voice quivering. "But clothes first. Then explanations. It's going to be a long story, I think." Her hand clutched at Shai's wrist, probably a little too tight.

"We couldn't get here in time to save the family," the one named Daveth said. "Shame that, but maybe there's somethin' inside you can use."

"Can't we disinfect it or something?" Shai asked frantically. "I know you probably don't have Lysol or anything, but surely there's sage? Rosemary? Lavender? _Mint_?" Her voice grew increasingly shrill with each word.

"Please, Miss, calm down," the one called Jory (What kind of honorific was Ser?) pleaded.

Edana fell into comforting-and-reassurance mode instinctively, her own fear and panic shunted aside for the moment. "Come on, hon," she said, tugging Shai toward the small crude farmhouse. "If this is a farm, they're damn near sure to have some hooch or poteen or _something_. It'll burn like hell, but sticks-grade 'shine will kill just about anything you pour it on."

She put her free arm around Shai's shoulders and urged her gently toward the house, her stomach churning at the way the slick stickiness of the blood that covered them burned her skin. Staring down at the corpses that littered the field, she mentally crossed her fingers that what Duncan feared was only infection.

"Water first," she was quite firm. She tried not to notice the bodies as she searched the farm-yard for a well. "Pointless to get clothes if we're just going to get them covered in blood," she mumbled.

"There," she pulled Edana toward the round stone wall. The bucket had been knocked into the well at some point, and Shai's arms burned with the effort of bringing it up, but she'd done worse to get clean.

"Here, rinse your mouth first," Edana said, grabbing a dipper from a hook on the well bucket crank's uprights. "That Duncan guy seemed most worried about that part."

They took turns with the water, cleaning their mouths and bodies as best they could. Before they were even done, Daveth was standing awkwardly nearby with an armload of cloth and a small earthenware jug.

"I took the liberty of, well, takin some liberties," he said with a small smile. "And besides cloth, you were looking for some brew, you said. A bit of the hair of the dog, eh?"

"That," Edana said fervently, "Is the very least of it. Thank you."

She took the jug and uncorked it, offering it to Shai. "Disinfect the inside first, then we'll do the outside."

She fit the jug to her elbow and downed a gulp. It took every bit of willpower not to spit it right back out. She forced the liquid down, then coughed, eyes watering. "I think we used that to clean our weapons once."

She carefully avoided looking outside, where Jory and Duncan were stacking bodies into one very neat pile, and one very messy one.

Edana retrieved the jug, took an eye-watering swig, and coughed as it went down. "Ugh, new meaning to firewater, that's for sure. Here, let me take care of your arm before we do anything else."

She struggled with the unwieldy jug and the angle, finally propping it on her knee to tip some of the contents into her hand.

"Okay. Deep breath, then breathe out *hard*."

Daveth frowned, looking more than a little confused.

The hard exhale turned into a keening hiss between clenched teeth. More tears came, but she nodded in satisfaction. "Something to wrap it and we're good to go." She paused, noticed Daveth's smirk. "After we get dressed."

"Yeah. Clothes." She shook out the dresses with a frown, handing one over. "I... might be better off in trousers. This is gonna swim on me, no matter how I belt or tie it."

"It's the smallest they had," Daveth said, a little apologetically.

"Oh, it's not your fault," she said with a smile. "I do appreciate you making the effort." She tried to hide the way her hands were shaking. "I'll just go take a quick look. For shoes, too. I need to visit the... outhouse... anyway."

She marched quickly away, wobbling slightly. The privy door slammed behind her, and retching could be faintly heard.

Shai heard footsteps as Duncan and Jory came up behind her. "As soon as you are able, it is time to move on."


	2. Fear and Loathing in Southern Ferelden

Fear and Loathing in Southern Ferelden

Duncan watched the two strange women he had managed to collect as they sank to the ground in exhaustion. He had not pushed them particularly hard, but they seemed unaccustomed to an extended march. Regardless, the complaining had been minimal, which pleased him. Instead he had listened while they conversed quietly, analyzing their surroundings with terms he was not familiar with. Words like "Old-growth", "Northern European", "Medieval" and "pre-industrial" were thrown out and acknowledged. Oddly learned-sounding terms, for such young women.

The dark-haired one, Edana she had called herself, had abandoned the poorly-made sword she had originally appropriated for a somewhat better-quality axe, keeping the shield and managing to scrounge a shirt of light chain. The blonde, Shai, had found a leather jerkin, and had ransacked the battlefield for as many arrows as she could carry.

They at least seemed sensible, he acknowledged.

"Daveth, Jory, see to setting up camp. I'll tend to our... guests." They nodded and fell into an already well-established pattern, building the fire and setting up sleeping arrangements.

"Shai first," the brunette mumbled. "I'm not hurt, just sore. And tired. Really really tired."

"You are certain?" he asked, verifying. "No cuts, no torn muscles, and no blows to the head?"

"Yeah. 'M fine." A weary shrug. "Too tired to worry about it. Shai first."

Duncan nodded, taking her word for it, and turned to her companion.

"You need to get a wet cloth for your eyes and get horizontal before you upchuck again," Shai snapped irritably. She touched the bandage on her arm, right over where she'd bled through. "And I need a fire and a word with Coyote as soon as we can."

"If I was gonna puke again, I'd have done it by now," Edana grumbled, sliding down in a slouch. "I'm fine. I had water, the woods are dark enough... it wasn't my head. That time." Duncan watched her frown and bite her lip as he unwrapped Shai's arm.

"...sir?" she said hesitantly, her voice small. "There's still a lot of information we don't have. And..." She traded glances with her friend, who was wincing and gritting her teeth as he prodded the cut. It wasn't a severe injury, but he could sense a faint darkness to it that worried him. He hoped that it was only his imagination. "...and we've got a lot of questions. You probably do, too."

A shrug, and another glance at her friend before she leaned in closer. "If you're going to talk to Coyote and I'm going to talk to Loki, we need to know what to _ask_ for," she hissed.

"Mostly I planned an extended bitching session," she mumbled. She watched Duncan's face as he treated her wound, her own face nearly blank. "So, where are we? Hell, _when_ are we?"

Duncan's fingers slowed, but he kept his face impassive.

_When?_

"It is the ninth month of the thirtieth year of the age of the Dragon. We are in Ferelden, between the village of Lothering and the fortress at Ostagar, our destination." He regarded them steadily. "And none of what I am saying has more than the most superficial meaning for you, does it?"

"N-no, sir," Edana said. "It really kind of doesn't." She looked at Shai, her face tight. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, hon. Or Texas, for that matter."

She snorted softly. "At least whoever it is has enough of a sense of humor to give us the language," she said quietly. "What are we going to do?" Her voice cracked into a whisper on the last word.

"You are not from... here, then," Duncan said, tying a new strip of bandage into place.

"No, sir," Edana said, sounding almost numb. "We're from... another world, I think. I saw crossbows at the farm," she mumbled. "Drawn, not cranked. So home is maybe... five hundred years ahead of here, tech-wise? I can never keep that stuff straight."

"'Dana we don't have any _skills_," Shai insisted. "Neither of us has _anything_ we can use to make a living here!"

"Perhaps," Duncan said. "But perhaps not." He considered them both. "Do either of you have training in combat?"

Edana blinked, startled out of her daze momentarily. "Uh... Shai does. I've got about six months of Ka- of unarmed combat training when I was nine, and one sparring session with the SCA heavy fighters... I mean, with a... sport combat group? They didn't fight for real, just for play."

Duncan's mind went completely blank at the concept of battle for play. Though after a moment of thought, it sounded perfectly suited to the King.

He quashed that traitorous thought with savage precision. Then Shai was speaking again.

"I can shoot, yes," she said uncertainly, "but it's been a long time since I shot anything that didn't require gunpowder. And I really doubt rifle-bayonet training crosses over very well." She seemed to be close to panic.

"You are alive," Duncan pointed out. "Naked, unarmed, surprised, and in a world entirely unfamiliar to you, with no training to speak of... you survived an attack by Darkspawn. That is not inconsequential." He sat back on his heels, considering them both. They were young. Frightened. Alone. But they were still trying to think and plan.

It was something he could wish some of his recruits could manage. He tried very hard not to connect Alistair with that thought.

"Darkspawn," Edana said. "Is that what those... things... were?" She sounded revolted. "The _smell_!"

Shai's hand twitched toward her face, as if to cover her nose. "I'd say I've smelled worse, but I'd be lying." She gently examined the bandage on her arm, but could find no fault. "Would I be wrong in guessing you have an idea?"

"An offer," Duncan corrected. "As I have said, Ser Jory and Daveth are recruits to the Gray Wardens. It would not be difficult to add you to their number."

"Um," Edana said, looking at Shai.

"Mm," Shai agreed, looking back and raising her eyebrows. Edana shrugged, then nodded.

"We'd... probably find that a lot more exciting and likely be _incredibly_ honored to be asked, if we knew what a Gray Warden was," she pointed out diffidently.

Duncan sighed and bowed his head. That they did not know was... strange. Children grew up on legends of the Gray Wardens' prowess. But they were from another world; it would be remiss of him to forget that.

So he told them. He told them of the Blight, of the coming darkness, and of his own journey to add more numbers to their ranks. He told them of the Gryphons that had flown from Weisshaupt, which made their eyes light up, only to fall in disappointment when he explained that they had died out centuries ago. He told of the brotherhood of the Gray Wardens, and how none could ever count themselves alone, when a single other of their order existed.

There was a long moment of silence when he was done. Both the girls looked appropriately awed, he thought.

"...okay," Edana nodded. "I am now appropriately impressed and honored. Now. Tell us the rest. There's gotta be a catch."

"There has to be one," Shai interjected. "You're asking us to be some kind of...foot soldier hero? And things never end well for people who try to be heroes. I'd rather be a Milk Maid."

"If the Blight is not ended, there will be little chance of a normal life," Duncan said gravely. "Some have lasted nearly a century before they were finally ended. It takes decades for the world to recover, and there are uncounted deaths." He sighed heavily. "Without those willing to take action, your life as a milkmaid could be just as short as any soldier's."

He leaned forward. "Yes, it will be a difficult life. Yes, much will be asked of you. But you will have a place. People you can trust. You will not be alone." Their glances at one another still held reluctance.

Sitting back, he thought for a moment. "I am not recruiting heroes," he finally said, and smiled thinly. "They would be in short supply, truth be told. I am simply seeking people who will be willing to... stand."

Shai sighed tiredly. "I just got back from a war." She scrubbed a hand over her face. "As much as the thought of being able to actually be useful this time appeals, I thought I was done." She tugged at her short hair and studied the ground intently.

Duncan shook his head, regretful. "I am very sorry, but I think that you may not have that option. The Darkspawn taint can infect other living beings. The most common, and the easiest, way for this to happen is through consumption of the blood or the flesh. The mibari, the Ferelden wardogs, have a particular problem with this. Many of them die."

"But that's not the only way, is it?" Edana filled in, her hand reaching out to clutch at Shai's. "Disease vectors don't work that way."

"Indeed," Duncan agreed. "And it pains me to say so, but I believe that you are one of the unlucky, in that regard. You can yet be saved, but you _must_ become a Gray Warden to do so."

"Fabulous, the first thing I do when magically transported to a new world? Catch the local STD." She continued to stare at the ground, clutching her friend's hand.

Duncan let the silence stretch. There was really no more he could say.

Abruptly, Shai looked up at Edana. "_You_ have a choice," she said.

Edana snorted ungracefully. "Puh-leeze," she said, drawing the word out strangely and with deep sarcasm. "If you think you're getting more than a hundred feet of me like _ever_ from here on out, then you really are having a blonde moment." A watery smile. "Who else is going to get my stupid jokes?"

Suddenly her nose wrinkled, and she looked more than a little nauseated. "Oh god. Ew." She looked at him accusingly. "I just _bet_ that the cure and the Gray Warden thing are the same thing. Which means some kind of vaccination theory. Which means... oh ew. Since getting the blood in your mouth is the most reliable way to... we're going to have to _drink_ it, aren't we?"

Before the last word left her lips, Duncan was kneeling before them. His metal gauntlets clasped around their joined hands painfully. "I know not where you've obtained your information, strangers, but know this. The Joining is the Gray Wardens' most closely guarded secret and we protect it."

Edana made a frightened squeaking sound deep in her throat, and her eyes went wide. "I... right. Logic bad. Got it. I'll just... be sitting here and keeping my mouth shut."

Duncan eyed them both sternly for another moment, then his grip on their hands relaxed, and he stood. "We will be eating soon, I think. You had best both get some rest. It is still two days to Ostagar, and tomorrow's journey will not be short." Nodding mutely, Edana watched him walk over and speak quietly to Jory.

"I... think that kinda put an end to the 'having a choice' thing," she said, trying to make a joke of it. Her fingers were cold against the skin of Shai's hand.

Shai reached down to gather up her bloody bandage. "There's more to this than we've guessed," she murmured. "We need to have a talk with the boys. Bets that they're behind this."

"I don't do sucker bets," Edana said, wrapping her arms around her legs. "But if you're willing to take one, ten bucks says that even if this is the kind of worlds where the gods put in personal appearances, that we won't get word one out of 'em."

"Like I said, mostly bitching. Though, I'd really like to hedge my bets on surviving this "joining" thing. Just... remind them that they're the ones that put us here, it'd be a shame to kill us off right away, y'know?" She stood and looked around for anything more that might have her blood on it.

"It's worth a shot," Edana nodded. "Though I have to say that mine would probably find even his _own_ plans getting that messed up to be... pretty fucking funny." She sighed and let her forehead fall to her knees. "I swear I can hear the bastard laughing."

"We'll just have to convince them that the best hijinks would come from us surviving." She crouched down to gather up some wood. "We'll borrow some fire from the main camp, I don't think we want an audience, it'd just confuse them more."

"If you want," Edana said with some indifference, hauling herself to her feet and starting to prod around for dry sticks. "I think we're going to confuse them plenty, so just a bit of praying-slash-bitching probably isn't going to add much. I've got the feeling that we're going to be having a lot of Giles-and-Buffy type 'what did you even just _say_' type conversations."

"I'd just like to avoid the Spanish Inquisition until we know what their religions are like, y'know?"

They cleared an area just within sight of the main camp, set up their own small camp fire. Shai brought a burning branch over, hoping like hell she wasn't about to embarrass herself by failing to start a fire.

They had some of the awful rotgut from the farm. Shai had no idea what would pass for sage or peyote on this world, so she crossed her fingers that the liquor would work.

"Well, nobody _expects_ the Spanish Inquisition, so we should be fine if we are," Edana quipped lamely, then paused. "God. I'm the Xander. I'm totally going to be the Xander." She sighed.

"Okay. Let's get to it." She sat down crosslegged by the fire pit. "You do your thing, I'll do mine? Our boys aren't usually so compatible that they're gonna like a shared..." a handwave. "Thingie." She felt more than a little punch-drunk, slightly dizzy with weariness, culture-shock, dimention-lag, and a strong sense of unreality. Probably the best state of mind to try to pray in, truth be told.

They took seats on opposite sides of the fire.

Shai soaked her blood bandages with the alcohol before tossing them onto the fire. "Old man, I'm hoping you have a plan. While I'm sure it's been great fun to watch us struggling along so far, wouldn't it be an even better tale if we made it out of this alive? Surely your brother wouldn't be amiss to dip his healing hand in so we might do some good while we roam for your benefit?"

For a moment, she thought she saw something in the smoke. She blinked, and saw only smoke. With a heavy sigh, she pulled the borrowed blanket close around her shoulders.

Edana took the jug, swigged with another horrible grimace, then poured a measure out on the ground. "For you, you sadistic bastard. I know you're laughing your ass off, and yeah. I get it. Har har. I'm sure I'm going to look really ridiculous doing this. Just... remember that Valhalla always sounded like a drag to me, okay?" She stared deeply into the flames, the flickering pattern and dancing warmth draining the tension from her shoulders, if only for a moment. A cool breeze against the back of her neck felt like the touch of a hand, and the crackle of the fire could be mistaken for laughter, if one listened with half an ear. She smiled, a little resigned. At least it didn't feel or sound _terribly_ mean-spirited. For now, anyway.

Then the wind changed, blowing smoke directly in her face, and she changed her mind.


	3. On the Rocky Road to Ostagar

On the Rocky Road to Ostagar

She had a suspicion that Duncan was taking the trip slower than normal. At the end of the day, she had just enough energy left to let Daveth try to teach her some of the finer arts of being a rogue. The man had a way with the bow, but wasn't all that good with the thievery. He'd said so himself.

"I can teach you the principles of lock-picking and pick-pocketing, but I'm really balls at them myself. It's how I ended up here. Duncan caught me trying to cut his purse."

On the other side of the camp, Edana was having a somewhat more difficult time.

"Look, Ser Jory. I understand that I'm kind of underweight compared to the kind of bruisers that normally sling a shield around, but I really do think this might be the best style for me. Muscle and strength can only come with time and work. I've got a lower center of gravity than a man my height, which will help me keep my feet set, iand I _like_ the idea of having a wall between me and the bad guys. And between _Shai_ and the bad guys. If she's going to be shooting, I need to do my part."

Jory still looked unconvinced. "Well what about a two-sword style? You're fairly quick, you could be good at that. I'm sure Duncan would be willing to show you."

Edana's smile went a little bit plastic, and the shoulder closest to Duncan turned slightly away from him. Only someone who knew her well and was paying attention was likely to notice. "No, that's okay. I'd really prefer to learn this, please."

Her arrows were all over the target, except for two, which quivered nearly one on top of the other in the exact center. Daveth rubbed the back of his neck and looked doubtful. "Looks like you might have some potential, but maybe I should teach you the basics of some two-handed moves?"

Shai glared angrily at the target, as if _it_ were at fault for her erratic aim. She sighed heavily and nodded. "I suppose that's a good idea."

There was a crash a few feet away, followed immediately by a solid thud as Edana landed at Shai's feet. She forced herself to draw a deep breath to replace the one that Jory had knocked out of her, and opened her eyes to look up.

"You know that quote, I think it was Edison, about 'I haven't failed, I've just found a hundred ways that don't work'?" she asked, not so much as twitching from her prone position. "I think this is number seven." Wow, the ground was so much more _comfortable_ suddenly, than it had been the night before when she'd tried to sleep. Just one more breath to get her diaphragm working again, and then she'd get up. Really.

Shai reached down to haul her friend to her feet. "So work on eight. I have you beat by.." She looked over to count the arrows that had _completely_ missed the target. "One. So catch up."

Edana rose with a grunt. "That's okay. I'm pretty sure the next one will be stupid enough for three or four." A wry smile. "Once more into the breech, I guess."

She took a breath to start some therapeutic bitching about how sore her arms were, and how hard it was going to be to raise them over her head the next day, but caught a glimpse of Duncan, silently watching from the campfire, out of the corner of her eye. The breath turned into a sigh, and she clenched her jaw, swallowing. Maybe not.

Rolling her shoulder to settle her shield a little better, she trudged back to Jory. "Okay. Let's try this again. ...maybe it would help if I put rocks in my pockets?"

Shai watched her friend, the crease between her eyebrows deepening until Daveth reached out to tap her with a short sword. She batted it away, but followed his lead.

It wasn't until the darkest part of night that she sat straight up in their tent. "Edana, what is _wrong_ with you?"

"Mrph? Whuzzut?" Edana pawed at her face, trying to wipe the sleep-gunk away from her eyes. "Huh? Wuz sleepin. ...ish."

Shai blinked down at her friend, wide awake but completely puzzled. "Why'd you wake me up?"

"I didn't!" Edana protested plaintively. "You asked me something. 'Edana something something wrong something' was all I caught." She laid back down, tugging the blanket up around her shoulders. It wasn't cold, really. But blankets are always good.

"Stew." A pause. "What, sleep-deprived word-association isn't the game? What is it, then?" She made a quietly cranky noise, trying to burrow back into the (in her opinion _quite_ inadequate) bedroll.

Shai poked her friend harder. "No, you! You've been acting like a scared little rabbit since we got here!"

There's a long silence. "...I'm usually a scared little rabbit. At least, inside," came the quiet reply. "I'm just mouthy enough to hide it, usually. This is just... a lot bigger and a lot scarier than usual, so it's... harder." True enough, if not the whole story. She was too tired to monitor her tone very well, though.

Shai flipped her blankets over so they were covering both women. She pulled her friend close and just held on.

"We can do this," she whispered, not entirely sure which of them needed the words more.

Edana twitched a tiny, uncomfortable shrug. "It's not even can. We have to. Since we have to, we will. I'm not even having a Yoda moment. It's just... When you don't have a choice, you buck up and do it." She flung and arm over Shai and snuggled close. "And this is about as choice-free a situation as has ever been." She shivered a little, not from cold.

"Watch your bruises, hon." Shai carefully cuddled her friend. "We have to do this all again tomorrow." She yawned and settled in to try to get more sleep.


	4. Ostagar, the White well, Slightly Gra

**Ostagar, the White… well, Slightly Grayish City **

**Note from Posting Writer:** Oh! Ahaha! I missed a chapter. Oops? Here ya go.

The closest Edana had ever come to seeing anything like Ostagar was her visits to the Alamo and the mission-slash-fort in Goliad. Comparing a pair of primitive rural Texas limestone buildings to _this_ place was rather like comparing a set of roller skates to a Learjet, as much as that felt vaguely like blasphemy to acknowledge.

But then, this wasn't just a fort. This was a full walled city, with a proper castle. By medieval standards it was more than impressive. She was aware she was gawking like a bumpkin in New York City, but figured as long as her feet kept moving and she didn't fall behind, nobody would care.

Shai resisted the urge to lick the architecture. She'd grown up touring every ruin in the continental United States and Ostagar outshone even Canyon de Chelly in sheer beauty.

"Ho there, Duncan!" A new voice pulled her from her admiration of the ruins. Her eyes snapped down to a young, richly armored man approaching them with an escort of two guards.

"King Cailan!" Duncan greeted the man with a grasp of forearms. "I didn't expect a-"

"A royal welcome?" The king finished. "I was beginning to worry you'd miss all the fun."

_Fun?_ Shai mouthed to Edana.

Duncan looked grim as he reassured Cailan. "Not if I could help it, your majesty."

"Then I'll have the mighty Duncan at my side in battle after all. Glorious!" He turned with Duncan to face what she assumed was to be the field of battle. "The other wardens told me you'd found some promising recruits. I take it this is they?"

Duncan inclined his head. "Allow me to introduce you, your majesty."

_Promising?_ Edana mouthed back at Shai, her eyebrows raised dubiously. They exchanged a shrug.

"This is Ser Jory, once of Redcliff, late of Highever, and Daveth of Denerim. The ladies call themselves Edana and Shai." He gestured at each in turn. "We happened upon them quite unexpectedly, but they acquitted themselves quite well in unusual circumstances."

Shai bowed awkwardly, looking incredibly uncomfortable. Edana stopped halfway through an instinctive curtsy when she realized how stupid it looked in trousers, hastily rearranged her feet and bowed as well.

"This is King Cailan Theirin, ruler of Ferelden," Duncan said, largely for their benefit it seemed.

"Ah!" the King said, looking interested. "You're not from Ferelden, then? Your names don't sound Orlesian. Anderfels? Perhaps the Free Marshes?"

"From Texas, your Majesty," Edana said, very aware that it wouldn't actually tell him anything. "I lived in Dallas, and Shai was in Kileen. Our coming here was... unanticipated."

"That sounds like a tale," Cailan said. "After the battle, you'll have to tell me all about it. For now, I'm afraid that I must return to my tent. Loghain waits eagerly to bore me with his strategies." His voice bore the affectionate resignation of a boy forced to attend his spelling lessons with a favorite tutor when he'd rather be out playing.

"Your Uncle sends his greetings, and reminds you that the Redcliffe forces could be here in less than a week," Duncan said with just the faintest hint of disapproval.

"Ha! Eamon just wants in on the glory. We've won three battles against these monsters, and tomorrow should be no different," Cailan said, pacing carelessly.

"So... things are going well, then?" Shai asked, sounding like she was trying very hard _not_ to sound dubious. Duncan and Cailan seemed to miss it, though Daveth looked at her a bit oddly. Cailan laughed.

"Well, some would say I'm being a bit overconfident. Right, Duncan?"

"Your Majesty, I'm not certain this Blight can be ended quite as... quickly as you might wish," Duncan said carefully.

"I'm not even sure this is a true Blight," Cailan said, a hint of petulance in his voice. "There are plenty of darkspawn on the field, but alas, we've seen no sign of an archdemon."

Edana looked at Shai, eyes wide. _Archdemon?_ Nobody had said anything about **anything** called an archdemon.

"Disappointed, your majesty?" Even Shai could hear the gentle admonishment in Duncan's words.

Cailan, apparently, was even more dense than a soldier-girl. He sighed, "I'd hoped for a war like in the tales! A king riding out with the fabled Grey Wardens to stem the tide of evil and battle a tainted god! But I suppose this will have to do." One of his bodyguards whispered something in his ear. "It seems I really must go. Farewell, Grey Wardens."

Awkward attempts at bows were made again, this time the women looking to the other members of the party for a bit of guidance. As the king left, Shai and Edana exchanged another worried, doubtful look.

"What the king said is true," Duncan turned to them once the king was out of earshot. "They have won several battles against the darkspawn."

Another exchanged look. "You don't sound very confident."

Duncan motioned for her to continue toward the camp. "Despite the victories so far, the darkspawn horde has grown larger since I was last here. By now, they look to out number us. I know there is an archdemon behind this, but we can't expect to act on our word alone."

"Why is that? The king seems to value your word quite highly."

Duncan frowned, "Yet not highly enough to wait for the wardens of Orlais. We should proceed with the Joining as soon as possible."

"How do we begin?" Shai asked uncertainly. Everything here seemed just as complicated as back in Kuwait. Apparently, war was war.

"Seek out Alistair. He is a fellow Grey Warden and should be somewhere in the King's camp. Feel free to explore the camp as well and gather whatever supplies you might need." With one last unreadable look at all of them, Duncan proceeded down the stone steps.

"Right," Edana said, keeping a wary half-an-eye on Duncan as he walked away. "Step one? I need a _comb_." She waved the end of the half-matted braid that hung down her back. "Maybe some clothes that fit a little better to go under the armor. We've got some money from those darkspawn things at the farm. Ser Jory made sure I got a share."

She crinkled her nose and looked at Shai. "Maybe we should find this Alistair guy first, though? We have no idea what the money's even worth around here. I don't want to get rooked."

Shai jiggled the coins in her pocket. It was sort of like being broke in Canada again. "We definitely need a handle on the money before we go trying to spend it. Shall we wander until we find him?"

"Sounds like a plan. Maybe a little sight-seeing will help us get some kind of grip on the... the local culture. Thing." Edana flapped her hands a little in frustration at her own lack of expressiveness, then frowned. "Also? I don't know about you, but my contacts are _not_ going to last forever. We really really need to hope that they've got something here, or we're kinda fucked."

"Excuse me, young ones, but I couldn't help but overhear, even if I did not quite understand." Shai pulled up short as an older woman addressed them. "I am Wynne, and I might be able to help."

Once again, the younger women shared a look. Shai took a step forward. "You're not in armor, ma'am, are you some type of magic user?" She asked.

The older woman looked shocked for a moment. Her expression settled into something puzzled, yet serene. "That would be correct, young one. I am a mage of the Circle of Magi, I specialize in Spirit Healing."

Shai perked. "Do you know anything about eye malformation that makes it difficult to see clearly?"

Edana perked, too. "Magic? There really is magic here? I mean I'd kind of hoped but I wasn't really sure that I wasn't being sorta stupid. Is it something that can be learned?" She bounced slightly on her toes, looking hopeful, and more animated than she had since they found themselves in this world.

Wynne laughed. "I'm afraid not," she said. "It requires an inborn gift, and it generally manifests in childhood." Edana drooped. Wynne tilted her head, looking at them curiously. "You are unfamiliar with magic?"

"There are legends about it, in... where we're from," Edana said. "But whatever we had seems to have died out." She sighed. "Anyway, _can_ you help us? I'm a little nearsighted, but Shai's kind of a lot worse off." She dug her toe into the ground sheepishly. "And we don't have a lot of money, I'm afraid."

"If there _is_ actually any where we are, it's much... subtler than the old stories tell us," Shai tried to explain. "But from idle talk, I would guess that it's different here?"

Wynne nodded with a thoughtful look. "I would be happy to see what I could do to heal your eyes. No exchange is required, it's always a joy to help out potential Gray Wardens, but would you mind sharing some of your story with me?" she asked.

A quick shared glance showed that neither had any reasons why they shouldn't. "Sure," Edana said. "Though I bet you won't believe half of it." _Or have the context to understand it._

Wynne's lips thinned as she tried to suppress a smile. "It sounds quite fascinating. Well, follow me, delaying would only make your lives more difficult." She led the way into into the Mages' Enclave, passed disapproving but silent men in heavy plate armor.

Even more disapproving were the other people dressed in robes, carrying staves. The ones without seemed curiously placid, had no reaction at all to the two badly dressed, unkempt women in their midst.

Edana watched the placid ones with a frown, something niggling at the back of her mind, but shrugged it off as Wynne lead them to a sturdy-looking tent at one side of the enclave.

"You may wish to sit down," Wynne said, gesturing at some folding camp stools. "You may experience a little dizziness while your sight adjusts." A kind smile. "Which of you would like to go first?"

"I'll do it," Edana offered. Might as well be the guinea pig, just in case.

Wynne's hands hovered for a moment on either side of her face, blue light cascading from her fingertips. The world went abruptly eyestrain-y.

"Ow ow ow, hold on," she said, and quickly peeled the contacts out of her eyes, wincing and blinking the sting of sweat-salt and god-knew-what-might-be-on-her-fingers-ew away to see Wynne's half fascinated, half appalled expression.

Shai tried to suppress her giggle, she really did. It slipped out anyway. She looked to Wynne. "Do you have washing water? So I can take mine out first?"

With minimal fuss, Shai's eyes were fixed as well and it was time for questions. She found herself wishing for a chair, table, any of the comforts that gave her something to lean against. Wynne's curious gaze felt heavy.

"So," Wynne said, sitting down on her own little folding chair. "Tell me about this place you come from."

"Well," Edana started, looking at Shai a little uncertainly. "It's... between six and nine hundred years ahead of yours, technologically. At an estimate. I mean, if what we've seen so far is representative. Crossbows, ballistas, the architecture..."

The explaining took a while, even with both of them chiming in. Some things needed to be broken down four or five times before there was a close enough analogy for Wynne to get it, but she was quite intelligent and seemed to believe them.

"That's... very interesting," Wynne said thoughtfully. "And you say there's virtually no objectively observable magic, on your world. Yet, you are here."

Edana shrugged uncomfortably. "We both serve trickster gods, though they come vastly different cultures. I swear I can _feel_ the Old Bastard laughing in the back of my head." She paused thoughtfully. "Stronger now than I ever could before, in fact. Back home, I could just... mistake it for my own thoughts, sometimes. If I tried. I can't here."

Shai lifted a shoulder. "Honestly, I wasn't even sure I truly believed." She shuddered. "But she's right, I can hear him laughing. When he stops, I get scared." She winced and clutched her belly. "Then I get first-hand experience in this world's disbelief in vegetarianism." She groaned as another pain twisted her stomach.

Wynne reached into a chest and pulled out a small pouch. "Here, some fireflower root, powdered. Put it on your food and it should ease your belly pain. But where are you off to now? I assume you have business?"

Shai nodded, taking the powder gratefully. "We have to get some armor that actually fits. Perhaps decent weapons."

"And toiletries. If we're really ambitious, maybe even some decent _boots_," Edana half-moaned, wiggling her feet. "And we need to track down Alistair. I hope he's not too much of a Guy, and won't mind taking us to the market."

"Alistair?" Wynne asked. "Gray Warden Alistair? That's who Duncan sent you to find?" She scoffed. "He wouldn't know how to get a woman properly outfitted if you tied a note to his wrist, and a string to his finger to remind him to read the note." She laughed a little, shaking her head. "He's a nice young man, if a little irreverent. Just... sometimes impractical."

"Are you volunteering?" Shai asked tentatively. She pulled The money she had from a pouch. "I don't even know what these _mean_."

Wynne pursed her lips as she looked at the money in the blonde woman's hand. She stood with a grunt, feeling every year of her age. "Fine, follow me."

Edana sighed in relief. Okay, this? This could work. Shopping with an older woman was probably going to get them fairly conservative gear, but that was probably actually good, all things considered. A guy was just as likely to have them in the local equivalents of miniskirts and bustiers, and they'd never know the difference.

After they were done shopping, it was time to find this Alistair guy. At least Wynne sounded like she knew what he looked like. Maybe the day wouldn't be such a disaster after all.

The cackling in the back of her head went up a notch, and she cringed.


	5. High Plains Templar

High Plains Templar

They had to ask directions, but eventually they found Alistair. Unfortunately, he was already occupied. Shai held up a hand, content to wait and see if they could take a measure of this Gray Warden.

"What is it now? Haven't the Grey Wardens asked more than enough of the Circle?" The dark-haired man asked. He was in a robe, which seemed to indicate mage.

"I simply came to deliver a message from the revered mother, ser mage. She desires your presence." He held his hands up, as if trying to offer peace.

"What her Reverence 'desires' is of no concern to me! I am busy helping the Grey Wardens-by the king's orders, I might add!" The man's tone was sharp, angry.

Alistair sighed, but still smiled. "Should I have asked her to write a note?"

"Tell her I will not be harassed in this manner!"

"Yes, _I_ was harassing _you_ by delivering a message." Shai choked on a snort of laughter at that.

"Your glibness does you no credit."

"Here I thought we were getting along so well." The blond Warden just kept going in the face of an increasingly angry mage. "I was even going to name one of my children after you...the grumpy one."

"Enough! I will speak to the woman if I must. Get out of my way, fool." The mage stormed off, somehow stomping in cloth shoes.

Alistair stared after him, face unreadable. "You know one good thing about the Blight is how it brings people together."

Shai smiled at him. "You're a very strange man."

"That," Edana said quietly to Shai, rubbing her nose with the back of her hand to try to hide her smile, "was masterfully annoying. I wonder if he gives lessons?"

"You're not the first woman to tell me that!" Alistair said to Shai, apparently not having heard Edana's comment. His smile faded. "Wait, we haven't met, have we?" He started to look sheepish, and slightly hunted. "I don't suppose you two happen to be mages."

"Why? Would that make your day worse?" Shai asked, folding her arms and raising her eyebrows.

"Hardly. I just like to know my chances of being turned into a toad at any given moment." The smile he flashed was nearly blinding in its good-humor. He seemed to feel that if they hadn't already started berating him that they were almost certainly friends. "Wait, I _do_ know who you are! You're Duncan's new recruits, right? Shai and Edana? I didn't recognize you from his description, you look much better- uh, I mean, you're all cleaned up- I mean..."

"We were looking pretty rough when we got here," Edana cut in, trying to be kind. "We did a little bit of shopping. We were going to ask you for help with the currency, but a very nice Mage lady helped us out when she heard that's what we were planning."

"Oh thank goodness!" Alistair said. "Er, not that I wouldn't have been more than willing to help, but shopping's not really what I _do_ and I'm rather bad at it unless weapons are involved."

"So Wynne said," Shai agreed. "That's why she was willing to help."

"Wynne... oh, _Wynne_," Alistair said, looking simultaneously enlightened and slightly shifty. "Well, yes. She's... I..." He sighed. "Look, I clearly just shouldn't be allowed to speak, all right? Why don't we start over?" He took a deep breath, huffed it out, and smiled brightly. "Hello, I'm Alistair. You must be Duncan's new recruits. It's nice to meet you."

"Duncan said we should seek you out about this Joining," Shai said quietly. "Is there anything you can tell us about it?" she asked.

Alistair looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Honestly, nothing. Try not to worry about it. It will…just distract you."

Shai's lips twitched. "I see," she said dryly.

He was nothing if quick to change the subject. "You know…it just occurred to me that there have never been many women in the Grey Wardens. I wonder why that is?"

Shai couldn't help her small laugh. "You want more women in the Wardens, do you?"

"Would that be so terrible?" His cheeks flushed as he looked at the two women. "Not that I'm some drooling lecher or anything. Please stop looking at me like that."

Shai put her hand in front of her mouth to hide her laugh.

"That's okay," Edana said comfortingly, the corner of her mouth twitching. "I'm really used to drooling lechers." This guy really did make it too easy.

Shai nodded. "She's dealt with drooling lechers for a living."

As Alistair's flush deepened to an actual blush amidst his spluttering, Shai chose mercy. "So, that argument? What was that all about?" she asked.

He recovered quickly with familiar territory. "With the mage? The Circle is here at the king's request, and the Chantry doesn't like that one bit. They just love letting mages know how unwelcome they are." His expression turned distinctly uncomfortable. "Which puts me in a bit of an awkward position. I was...once a templar."

Both women just tilted their heads in puzzlement. "What's a templar?" Edana took the question.

Alistair blinked. "You... don't know what a Templar is?"

Edana shrugged, sharing another glance with Shai. At this rate, she acknowledged mentally, people were going to start thinking they shared a brain, and that it didn't start working until they made eye contact.

"Well, from a historical standpoint..." Seeing that she had only confused him more, she elaborated. "There were a group of knights called Templars some centuries back, who mostly made failed attempts at conquest over a bit of land that's held sacred to about four different religions. Or sub-variants of the same religion, depending on your perspective. They were supposed to be 'holy', but probably spent more time pillaging than praying."

"Here Templars are the soldiers of the Chantry, they keep mages from getting out of hand and where did you say you were from again?" Alistair managed to shift from babble to questioning with what sounded like the ease of _long_ practice.

Shai shrugged. "We didn't. It's definitely no place you'd know. I doubt anybody here would know it," she tried to explain. But her brain caught on what he'd said. "Just how do mages get 'out of hand?'"

"Well... theeeey..." Alistair winced and shuffled his feet, then shrugged. "Some of them dabble in blood magic," he admitted. "Or make a deal with the wrong Fade demon and end up possessed and turning into abominations. Most of them are perfectly good people," he rushed to say. "If sometimes kind of grumpy. But it's also that, well, so much power can be frightening if they turn maleficar."

"Maleficar would be... these blood mages, then?" Edana asked.

Shai's face shuttered. "And you don't think that giant blade on your back isn't equally terrifying to someone who can't defend against it? Or that people with power can't use it to lord over those without. It doesn't take a demon to make someone evil."

Edana put a hand on Shai's shoulder. "Hey, we've been here all of two days. We should maybe get a little more cultural grounding before we get all judgey." She winced a little when Shai turned to look at her. "Look, I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm not saying you're right. I'm saying we don't have enough information yet. I mean yeah Wynne was awesome, but we don't know what magic does to people's _heads_."

Her stiff posture didn't relax. "Power is power, only so good or bad as the person weilding it."

Alistair stood with his eyes slightly lowered, looking the very picture of discomfort. "Right, if you have any questions, let me know. Otherwise, lead on! Let's find Duncan." Again with the smooth change of subject to less comfortable topics.

Shai found herself relaxing despite the anger that still simmered in her belly.

Edana draped an arm over Shai's shoulders companionably, guiding her back the way they came. "Come on," she whispered quietly. "It might be better not to rock the boat too hard, at least until we're done with this Joining thing. Just in case. We can start a 'free the mages' campaign when things are a little less Sword-of-Damocles-y for us."

Shai sighed heavily, but nodded slightly and started paying attention to their tour guide.

"As junior member of the order, I'll be accompanying you and the other recruits when you prepare for the Joining." He explained.

Shai just tried to follow along to his babble as they walked, but something distracted her. Namely, a pen with a very sick looking dog being treated by a very worried looking man.

"Hmmm. This isn't good. I'd hate to waste such a promising memeber of the breed," he seemed to muse to himself, right before he caught sight of the approaching party. "Are you the new Warden? I could use some help."

Shai stepped forward, almost eager. "What can I do?"

"This is a mabari. Smart breed, and strong. His owner died in the last battle, and the poor hound swallowed darkspawn blood. I have medicine that might help, but I need him muzzled first," he explained.

He couldn't possibly know about her animal-specific restraint training, so it had to be something else... "Why do you think I could muzzle him?"

"You're a Grey Warden, or soon will be. All Wardens are immune tot the darkspawn taint," he said. "The most you have to worry about is some tooth marks."

Shai snorted. "Just how smart is this dog?"

"Centuries ago, a mage bred them to be smart and understand what they're told. They can remember and carry out complex orders. Most valuable dogs in the world. Trouble is they generally imprint to one master; re-imprinting them is very difficult." He suddenly looked sad. "But without the medicine re-imprinting won't be and issue. Will you help?"

Shai was very intrigued, already handing her blades and bow off to Edana. "Could he be imprinted on _me_?" she asked.

The kennel master shrugged. "We can try. But first we need to muzzle and medicate him."

"Of course."

"Go into the pen and let him smell you. We'll know right away if he'll respond." His worried expression didn't alter. "Let's hope this works. I would really hate to have to put him down."

"That... is a _really_ big dog," Edana commented, sounding equal parts fascinated, impressed, and slightly repulsed. "I hope you know what you're doing."

The enormous muscular hound made a half-hearted growl as Shai approached it, then cowered down and let her put the muzzle on.

"You don't like dogs?" Alistair asked idly as they watched.

"They're okay, I guess," she shrugged, watching Shai and the kennel-master's interactions with the beast warily. "My parents have had a lot of them over the years, but they don't really know how to train them properly, so they end up kind of... difficult." She relaxed a little when Shai stepped away from the dog. "Plus, they're generally pretty smelly, always dropping disgusting things to step on, and drool. Not my favorite things in the world."

"Oooh, you're not going to like me much then," Alistair laughed. "Well, except for the drool. Well, sometimes."

Shai bounced up to the pair, looking brighter than she had since arriving in this freaky place. "He says the dog looks all right, but he'd do better with some sort of plant from the Korcari Wilds. That's right outside the camp, right?"

Alistair eyed the woman warily. "Yeees," he said carefully. "Actually, we'll be heading there shortly."

Shai just beamed as Alistair led them to Duncan's fire.


	6. The Good, the Bad, and Dear God the Ugly

Disclaimer: Dragon Age is owned by Bioware and not your illustrious writers.

**The Good, The Bad, and Dear God The Ugly**

Edana stopped dead as the group of wanna-be Wardens (and one actual) stepped out of Ostagar's southern gate.

"Oh great," she said with amused disgust, starting to walk again when Shai tugged at her arm. "A swamp. Thirteen years in Florida, booted into another world, and I end up in another swamp." She looked at Shai out of the corner of her eye, her mouth curling in a smile. The prospect of being out from under Duncan's sharp, judging gaze for at least the rest of the day had left her positively cheerful, despite the prospect of wading through mud and sludge and bugs. "The mosquitoes are going to leave me five pounds lighter from the blood loss, I'm telling you now."

"Not a good idea, that. Pretty sure you don't have it to spare," Daveth pointed out.

Edana snorted, not unkindly, and smiled a little wider. "You're sweet," she said, to his slight confusion. A few steps later, her face fell abruptly.

"Shaaaaiii," she said plaintively. "It's a swamp. If I see a single cockroach, I'm going right the hell back in there," a thumb jerked over her shoulder at the walled city, "And the bad guys can burn it down around my ears for all I care."

"If I see a cockroach, someone will have to get me out of a tree," Shai retorted almost absently. The place only vaguely reminded her of the only other swamp she'd been in. Some things were different.

"Is that one of those Enchanter people in the water?" She was positive those were robes. She stepped into water that was just shallow enough not to get into her boots. She poked the body with the end of her unstrung bow. Definitely dead, and slightly...chewed.

That's when she heard the first growl.

"Shit," Edana said, spinning around and bringing up her shield. Looking down the path, her eyes went wide. "Um," she said, stepping in front of her friend. "...don't all the people who write about that stuff pretty much agree that the legends of medieval wolf attacks were almost certainly all fiction?"

"Maybe where you're from," Alistair said grimly, readying his own weapon. The seriousness sounded odd on him, but oddly suited him, too. "Not here."

There was no more time to talk as the first of the beasts struck. Feeling clumsy and awkward, Edana kept herself between Shai and the wolves as best she could.

One wolf slammed against her, shoving her back as she gritted her teeth and struggled against it. Her first attempt to push it back did nothing, and the second brought snapping teeth far too close to her throat. With a grunt of effort she slid her feet farther apart, shoved her hips back, and heaved. The wolf went flying... rather farther than she'd have ever expected.

Part of her brain stood stock still for a moment as she stepped quickly forward and brought her axe down. 'Oh. So that's what I wasn't getting.'

Shai was a little shocked at the speed in which she strung her bow. The encounter was over much too quickly. Her heart still pounded in her throat, but it was time to salvage arrows.

It was only when she was done that she remembered the body. She dragged it from the water and began patting down pockets for a clue about his identity. "Find anything?" Jory asked.

Shai held up a piece of paper. "Only this, and I don't recognize the language," she said wryly.

Alistair took the letter and unfolded it. After a second, he looked back at Shai. "It's in the Common tongue."

"You mean," Edana asked slowly, "the language we're speaking?" She snatched at the scrap of paper. "Gimme," she said, reasonably polite. For a long moment she stared at the scrap, before the edges started to tremble. For a moment she looked on the verge of tears. Then her face started to get red, her fingers tightened on the note, crinkling the edges.

Then she started to swear.

Ser Jory blushed a bit at "Pencil-dicked", Daveth choked over "necrophiliac goatfucker", and Alistair looked rather nauseated over "syphilitic jizzstain".

"That goddamned viper was too fucking good for you, you ergi son of a bitch!"

As a group, all male gazes turned to Shai in horrified curiosity. She started when she felt their stares. "Don't look at me, she's the coherent one." She scowled, feeling as if she'd lost a limb.

Alistair looked like he was sticking his head in a lion's mouth when he spoke up. "It looks like you've both had a shock, but we really cannot loiter. Darkspawn are all around us."

Edana took a deep breath. "Right. Right. Lead the way."

She hitched up her shield and scowled, swiping at the dampness at the corner of her eyes that she was trying to suppress. She swallowed hard and glared at Alistair's boot heels for a moment.

"So. Um. Your alphabet... how many letters are in it?" she asked, trying to get her voice under control. Alistair turned and looked at her, looking confused. "Look, way too much of my self-image is tied up in being able to read, read well, remember what I read, synthesize it, and use it. I'm not walking around illiterate any longer than I have to. We can't sit down with a slate and chalk right now, but we gotta start somewhere. I can watch and listen at the same time."

Shai stayed silent as they trudged along the path. She wasn't quite ready to face their new handicap.

Luckily, before she could think about it too terribly much, she spotted a lot of blood in the road. And some of it was moving.

"Holy crap, that's a person!" She slung her bow over her back and sprinted forward. The man laying amidst all that blood reached up, grabbed her wrist.

"Ambush," he gasped.

"Shit!" Edana said, hitting her knees next to the injured man. In the back of her mind she marveled a bit at how far her language degraded when she was stressed. Another week of this an all that would be *left* would be the obscenities. Her shield was set aside as she tried desperately to remember what first aid she knew.

"He's been chewed up pretty good, but it doesn't look short-term lethal," she said, glancing up at the men who were standing around awkwardly. "Can you tell us what happened?" she asked the injured man.

"Darkspawn." He trembled, still trying to crawl in the direction of the town. "Came out of nowhere. Got... got everyone. I have to warn-!" He broke off, coughing.

"We need to get him back to town," Shai said, fowning.

"No, no I can make it." The wounded soldier's voice rang with desperation.

"I have some bandages in my pack," Alistair said, his voice neutral. Edana frowned and looked up at him, then down at the man's injuries, coated with blood of unknown origin.

Oh.

Shai was pretty good at ignoring things she didn't want to deal with and she utilized that talent now. She strung her bow to keep watch while Edana patched up the survivor. "Are you sure you can make it back on your own?" She asked him again.

The man stumbled to his feet with surprising quickness. "You won't see nothing but footprints!" He said as he limped off, back toward the camp.

Jory stood, shaking his head at the slaughter around them. "A troupe of trained men, all but slaughtered!"

Shai twitched, inexplicably irritated by his voice. Edana was much more vocal. "Aren't we here to fight the things? Our sole purpose?"

Alistair interjected soothingly. ""There is a reason I am with you - all Grey Wardens can sense darkspawn." His voice was much easier on Shai's ears. That irritated her too.

"See good ser knight? At least if we're going to die, we'll have a bit of warning before they get us."

Shai snorted. "Even in this swamp, we should be able to smell them coming."

"Can we get moving?" Edana piped up, looking around with a disgusted expression. "We can all agree that slogging through a swamp hunting darkspawn isn't exactly anybody's idea of a good time, so let's get everything we came for and get it over with."

It took until mid-afternoon to travel through the swamps. They faced more darkspawn, more wolves, and a local legend that turned out to be... not quite as described. All fell before the group of would-be Wardens. A few wrong turns and some Chasind trail signs even lead them to a bit of decent gear, including a better bow for Shai.

Finally Alistair perked up. "That must be it!" he said, indicating a fallen tumble of stonework. "I can't imagine anything else of that description out here."

Shai looked around warily. "Why don't Alistair and I go ahead with you lot guarding our backs," she suggested. "Me to persuade any potential locks and him to read the damned things." She wasn't bitter, not at all.

The blonde pair approached the ruins cautiously, eyes out for any more darkspawn, wolves, or unruly demons. Shai spotted the chest first and knelt beside it.

"It's busted," she said.

"Well, well, what have we here? Are you a vulture , I wonder? A scavenger poking amidst a corpse whose bones have been long since cleaned? Or merely an intruder, come into these darkspawn filled wilds of mine in search of... easy prey?" A new voice, a woman's, cut into anything Alistair might have said.

Everyone spun to watch a woman saunter down an ancient slope of stone toward them. Her hair was short and dark, her eyes golden, and her skin pale.

"What say you, hmm? Scavenger or intruder?" she taunted.

Edana tried to subtly step in front of Shai with her shield. "We haven't got any intention of being either," she said. "We're here representing the Gray Wardens, who owned this tower once."

"'Tis a tower no longer," the woman said, sounding coy. "The Wilds have obviously claimed this desiccated corpse. I have watched your progress for some time. 'Where do they go?' I wondered 'Why are they here?' And now you disturb ashes no one has touched for iso/i long. Why is that?"

"Don't answer her," Alistair warned, low-voiced. "She looks Chasind, and that means others may be nearby."

"Oooh, you fear barbarians will swoop down upon you!" she mocked.

"Yes," Alistair said, dry as dust. "Swooping is bad."

"She's a witch of the Wilds she is!" Daveth said. "She'll turn us into toads!"

"Witch of the Wilds..." the woman mused. "Such idle fancies, those legends. Have you no minds of your own? You there," she said to Shai and Edana. "Women do not frighten like little boys. Tell me your names and I shall tell you mine."

Oh, Shai iliked/i her. "Magic-witch or bitch-witch?" she asked curiously, though at this stage it didn't seem to matter.

"I beg your pardon?" the woman said with what sounded like the beginnings of affront. Edana stepped forward hurriedly.

"I'm Edana, and this is Shai," she said. "I imagine the fellas here would rather not share their names, so I'll respect that. Pleasure to meet you."

"Now that is a proper civil greeting, even here in the Wilds," came the somewhat surprised reply. "You may call me Morrigan. Shall I guess your purpose?"

Edana looked at Shai with her eyebrows raised. Morrigan, hm? That could be a... portentious name.

"You sought something in that chest?" Morrigan continued. "Something that is here no longer?"

"Here no longer?" Alistair said, indignant. "You stole them, didn't you? You're... some kind of... sneaky..." he fumbled for words. "...Witch-thief!"

"How very eloquent," Morrigan said. "How does one steal from dead men?"

"Quite easily, it seems," Alistair said, regaining some of his composure, and some semblance of authority. "Those documents are Gray Warden property, and I suggest you return them."

"I will not," Morrigan said, her face twisting a bit in a sneer. "For t'was not I who removed them. Invoke a name that means nothing if you wish. I am not threatened."

"Then who removed them?" Edana asked. "You seem to know a lot about it."

"T'was my mother, in fact."

Shai eyed the crumbling remains of the chest. "Quite some time ago, then?" she asked. "Wait, your imother/i?"

"What?" The dark-haired woman raised a perfect eyebrow. "You think I was hatched from an egg?"

Shai discarded her first reply, as alienating the woman didn't seem very productive and she was just being a smart-ass anyhow. "Is your mother receiving visitors?" she asked politely instead.

"Hmm, there is a sensible request." Morrigan laughed. "I like you."

Alistair looked scandalized. "I'd be careful. First it's "I like you," then ZAP, frog time."

Daveth wasn't nearly so conservative in his fear. "She'll put us all in the pot she will. Just you wach."

"If it's warmer than this forest, it'll be a nice change." Ah, Jory, either practical or dumb as an ox. Shai couldn't decide.

Morrigan blew her bangs out of her face. "Follow me, then, if it pleases you." She turned away, headed toward the woods.


	7. The Daughter of the Witch

Before the trek to Ostagar, Shai may have called the trip to the hut a bit of a hike. As it was, nothing bothered them along the way, thus the walk was actually quite relaxing.

The witches' home was rough and mean, yet Shai found herself relaxing for the first time since she'd awoke naked and covered in gore. An older woman worked around the small yard, seemingly unaware of their approach. She showed no surprise when Morrigan called out to her.

She raised a single eyebrow as she examined their party. "There are more of you than I expected," she said.

Alistair didn't much like that. "Are we supposed to believe you were expecting us?"

That just amused the woman. "You are required to do nothing," she replied. "Least of all believe. Shut one's eyes tight or open one's arms wide... either way, one's a fool! Therefore, believe what you will."

Shai couldn't suppress a snort of laughter. That brought the woman's attention directly to her. "And what of you? Does your woman's mind give you a different viewpoint? Or do you believe as these boys do?"

Shai matched her expression. "Belief changes with facts. Then a tricky old bastard throws in something unbelievable and everything turns itself upside down and backwards."

"And you?" the woman's attention turned to Edana. "What is *your* thought in the matter?"

"That my thoughts don't matter," Edana said with a half-smile. "Belief only has meaning when you back it up. I might believe I'm mad or dreaming, I might believe I'm really here talking to you, I might believe I'm secretly a small blue rodent from Alpha Centauri. It doesn't matter. The only thing that counts is how I *act*."

"Statements that possesses more wisdom than they imply. Be always aware... or is it oblivious? I can never remember." She stepped right up to the two women, staring at first one, then the other. Then she started to laugh. "Never tell them that I can't appreciate a good joke! Loaded dice have been tossed into the game, but loaded for whom, I wonder?" Her eyes went vague again.

"Mother!" Morrigan said on an impatient sigh. "They did not come here to listen to your ramblings."

She turned her vague smile to her daughter. "True, they came for their treaties, yes?" She spun on her heel, into the hut. She returned bare moments later, four scrolls in her arms. "And before you begin barking, your precious seal wore off long ago. I have protected these." She spoke directly to Alistair as she handed off the treaties.

"You... oh!" The blond Warden looked a little more bewildered than normal. "You protected them?"

"And why not?" The vagueness left her eyes again, she gripped Alistair's hand in her own. "Take them to your Grey Wardens and tell them this Blight's threat is greater than they realize!"

Shai narrowed her eyes at the woman. "Is the threat greater or are they all being as dense as their fearless leader?" she asked.

At that, Alistair went into a full-on sputter.

And suddenly she was closer, almost on top of the blond woman. "You are growing weaker, child, you can feel it in your body now. You should not linger any longer."

Shai reached over to uncover her shoulder. She didn't really need to see the black outlines of the veins leading from the site of her wound. The old woman was right, she could feel it through her entire body, fighting her. She really couldn't tell what hurt worse, the bone pain or the pain from the Taint. She secured her armor and looked back up. "Who iare/i you?"

The woman just smiled. "In due time, future Warden." She shifted her gaze to Alistair. "Now ileave/i, before you lose her."

Edana grabbed Shai by the elbow. She barely resisted, and the entire party iran/i back to Ostagar.


	8. High Noon Or not, but who's counting?

High Noon (Or not, but who's counting?)

Edana shoved the small bag of vials into Duncan's hand, her other arm around her friend. "We need to hurry," she said bluntly. "She's not doing so well."

Duncan pulled aside Shai's sleeve, seeing the black veining that radiated out from the small wound. "So I see," he observed. Edana's lips thinned. "I will begin the preparations," he said before she could speak. "The potion is almost ready. Do you have the treaties?" he turned to Alistair to ask.

"We do," Alistair said with a nod. "they were being guarded by a Chasind mother and daughter. They... were apostates."

"That is not our concern," Duncan chided gently. "You are no longer a Templar, and the Gray Wardens have other matters that require our attention."

"But I...! Yes, you're right," Alistair sighed.

"How long before your potion's ready?" Edana asked, getting Ser Jory to help her ease Shai to the ground.

"Not long," Duncan said, acknowledging her with a nod. "We can begin the Joining at sunset."

"Fair enough," Edana said, squinting at the lowering sun. "Hush," she said to her blonde friend. "You know as well as I do that making a fuss only spreads shit faster. Would a tourniquet help at all to slow the spread of the poison?" she asked. "It's on her arm, which makes things easier."

"It might, but at the risk of losing the arm."

"I know how to do one proper. Wasn't a Girl Scout for long, but Mama was a nurse for longer than I've been alive." Duncan noted that her accent thickened with stress.

"Very well, if you feel the time gained is worth the risk. I will begin preparations."

Edana's eyes watched him, dark with wariness and distrust.

"I am not your enemy," he said gently. "I can only hope that someday you understand."

_I understand enough_ her eyes said, but she only looked away.

Shai did her best to ignore everything. If she concentrated hard enough, she could manage to lean less on Edana. "Let's just wait. No tourniquet," she said. "Really don't trust the medicine yet. Especially if they're too stubborn to use magic." She kept her voice low, steady.

She kept a grip on Edana while Duncan disappeared to mix his mysterious potion. "If there's chunks, I reserve veto rights," she muttered to her friend.

"If there's chunks, I will barf right on Duncan, swear to god," Edana muttered back. "_Relax_, hon. Lean on me a little harder, I'll let you know if you're too heavy."

There was a long moment of silence.

"Are you getting the feeling that there's still shit Duncan's not telling us?" she ventured at a near-silent whisper.

She chuckled. "If I was editing this novel, I'd kick it back for the all-too-obvious secret society shtick. Seriously, I'm expecting caged confessions of our deepest secrets any minute now."

She sighed, eyes watering as she tracked the sun's progress toward the horizon.

"I hope that's all it is," Edana said dubiously. "I can make up secrets for them to listen to for as long as they want to listen."

She pressed her wrist to Shai's forehead. "You're feverish," she observed. "Here, lay down. You can use my legs as a pillow for a bit and we'll give the boys something to look at while we wait."

The broken floor beneath them was blessedly cool. Shai pressed her hands against it, letting the stone leech away some of her body heat. The sounds of the camp faded away as her thoughts turned inward, seeking a calm place in her head, away from the pain and worry.

All too soon, the sound of metal footsteps broke her fugue. She blinked up at Alistair. There was an unreadable look on his face as he reached his hand down. "It's time," he said.

Shai placed her leather-gloved hand into his metal gauntlet. He was delicate, gentle as he helped her to her feet.

Edana hauled herself up with a grunt. Sitting for what felt like at least a hour had let her muscles stiffen up. She followed Alistair and Shai, looking behind her to see Daveth and Jory following.

"The more I hear about this Joining the less I like it," Jory grumbled as they filed in to the open-air enclosure.

"Are you blubbering again?" Daveth asked.

"Why all these damned tests?" Jory demanded. "Have I not earned my place?"

"Maybe it's tradition," Daveth offered. "Or maybe they're just trying to annoy you."

"Come on guys," Edana sighed. "Do we really want to have the thirty-second verse, same as the first? We all knew what we were getting into." She checked Shai's flushed face with concern, feeling the heat radiating off her skin.

"I only know that my wife is in Highever with a child on the way! If they had warned me, I..." He looked down and shook his head. "It just doesn't seem fair."

"Would you have come if they'd warned you?" Daveth asked. "Maybe that's why they don't. The Wardens do what they must, right? "

"Including sacrificing us?"

"I'd sacrifice a lot more if I knew that it would end the Blight," Daveth pointed out evenly.

"Some of us had less of a choice than you, Ser Jory," Edana added. "I'm not overcome with joy myself. Shai's infected and last week was the first time I ever killed _anything._" She smiled just a little. "I'm just resigned I guess. And keeping my bitching on the inside so I don't fuck with morale." She put a hand on his shoulder. "It'll be all right."

She stifled her snicker on Edana's shoulder. "Stuff a sock in it, would you?"

"Yeah, ser knight," Daveth sneered. "Try not to wet your trousers until the ritual starts."

Ser Jory sighed. "I've just never faced a foe I could not engage with my blade."

That struck entirely too close to home. Green lights flashed through Shai's brain, alongside the memory of sirens and the distant shout of "Lightning, lightning, lightning." She shuddered and leaned a little more heavily on her friend. She was broken from her memories by the metallic chime of Duncan's footsteps.

"At last, we come to the Joining. The Grey Wardens were founded during the first Blight, when humanity stood on the verge of annihilation." His figure blurred around the edges as he placed a large chalice on a table. "So it was, that the first Grey Wardens drank of darkspawn blood – and mastered their taint."

Shai just started laughing.

Edana looked at her in concern, squeezing her shoulder. She started to ask if Shai was all right, then the giggles started.

"Sock it yourself, hon," she hissed. "I think this is supposed to be some sort of solemn and terrifying occasion. Thing." She bit her lip hard to suppress her own snickers. "And see? Didn't I tell you? We're drinking that crap."

At Alistair's disgruntled look, she did her best to put on her serious face. Jory finally found his tongue again. "We... we're going to drink the blood of those... those creatures?"

Somehow, Duncan was able to maintain his air of gravity. "As the first Grey Wardens did before us, and as we did before you." He looked sternly at the two foreign women. "This – is the source of our power. And our victory."

Alistair suddenly remembered he had a part to play. "Those who survive the Joining become immune to the taint. We can sense it in the darkspawn, and use it to slay the archdemon."

Shai bit the inside of her cheek, hard. She was just waiting for Jory- "Those who survive?"

She kept her face in Edana's shoulder and spoke very, very quietly. "Copper says that's not the highest octave he reaches tonight."

"I don't take sucker bets," Edana answered just as quietly.

Duncan ignored the question, and the comments. "There are only a few words we say prior to the Joining, but those have been said since the first. Alistair, if you would?"

Unusually solemn, Alistair stepped forward. "Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be foresworn. Should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten, and that one day, we shall join you."

Edana stared at him, the mirth draining out of her. It sounded more like a funeral dirge than a prayer for survival. She was starting to understand how the Samurai felt when they went into battle already 'dead'.

The world around her seemed to be moving in water. She watched Duncan pick the chalice back up and turn to face the recruits again. "Daveth, step forward."

The thief reached out to take the chalice from Duncan's grasp. He spared one last glance at Edana and Shai before he took his drink. It was back in Duncan's hands before he finished swallowing.

Daveth started to sway, then stagger backward a few steps. He clutched his head. When he looked up, his eyes had gone pure white. He fell to his hands and knees, struggling against his own body. Shai could hear the creak of his leather armor over the sounds of his choking.

It was almost a relief when he collapsed to the ground, completely still.

Edana's breath came short and quick as she stared at Daveth's body on the ground. _He's dead,_ she thought numbly. _He was nice to me. We teased Ser Jory together. And now he's dead. Holy shit._

Shai wobbled against her, and she tightened her grip around her friend's shoulders reflexively.

Duncan bowed his head. "I'm sorry, Daveth."

Shai could only stare at Daveth's blank eyes and rapidly cooling body. Before she could properly adjust, Duncan spoke again.

"Step forward, Ser Jory."

Jory backed against one of the stone walls, drawing his sword. His break came shallow and quick. "But I have a wife! A child!"

"There is no turning back," Duncan said implacably, advancing with the chalice.

Jory stepped further away. "No, you ask too much. There is no glory in this!" His voice cracked.

Duncan's expression did not change as he set the chalice aside and drew his blade. Jory swung, Duncan parried, and then a blade was buried in Jory's chest before either of the girls could say a word.

"I am sorry," Duncan said quietly, and let Jory's body fall to the ground.

Shai and Edana clutched each other like frightened children, staring with wide incredulous eyes. He watched their gaze fix on the pool of blood spreading under Jory's body and knew, without a doubt, that even if both women survived... neither would ever count themselves as his sister in the Wardens.

"But the Joining is not yet complete." He stepped toward the women, offering the chalice. "You are called upon to submit yourselves to the Taint for the greater good."

Edana took a shuddering breath and reached out, taking the vessel in one trembling hand.

"Together?" she said with a quaver. "That way if. If one of us don't make it, the other doesn't have to watch."

Alistair helped her stay on her feet as she stood facing Edana. The chalice was between them, Shai's hands wrapped around Edana's because she couldn't really hold it herself anyway.

She held Edana's eyes when she brought the cup to her lips. Maybe if she thought hard enough about her friend, they'd both live. Maybe if the tricksters heard her thoughts, they'd at least let Edana live.

Just as Edana took her sip and Duncan took hold of the chalice again, every muscle in her body seized, and her world exploded in pain.


End file.
